Are you being selfish?

Or is it self care? Or a matter of survival?

Every time I walk into my art space, I hear voices in my head.

They ask: Isn’t there something else / better / more productive you should be doing? Is all the laundry folded? Does anyone need anything from me?

I’ve moved through my adult life waiting for the other shoe to drop, waiting for the call to help someone with something - finding food in the fridge, signing a permission slip, or helping with homework. I stopped watching TV when my kids were little because they seemed to always need something in the middle of my shows!

The one voice I rarely heard calling out for attention was the voice of my soul. It is a very small, quiet voice, and unfortunately it has been long ignored. I never intended to be spiteful; but too often I responded to that deep tug with “Not now, but soon. I will listen as soon as I finish this and that and the other thing….”

It’s been a while since I’ve helped anyone with homework, but those voices in my head still insist that there is something else I should do first before turning to the one thing that fills my soul. Those voices call me “selfish” for spending time creating art.

Is it selfish to engage in your ‘one thing?’ Or is it self care? Or is it a matter of survival?

What were you taught about being selfish?

Medieval theologians like St. Ignatius taught that pride was the root of all sin. That never landed for me because it cannot apply to most women who were and still are brought up to be “selfless.” Pride flows from an over-inflated sense of self. The root of sin for women is more likely to be abandonment of self. Finding and following what lights you up is the first step back to yourself.

Another teaching is from a Doctor of the Church, St. Catherine of Siena, who put these words on God’s lips: “No matter what your state in life, it is essential to kill this selfish love in yourself.” Oof! Harsh words from the God of love.

It’s hard enough to identify what your ‘one thing’ is when you’ve been trained to put others first. It feels impossible to engage in your ‘one thing’ when the Godhead allegedly tells us to dig up and destroy the root of selfish love!

It’s time to turn away from those voices that want to distract us from what we are here on this earth to do. It’s time to turn towards the self, to listen to the wisdom of the self, to be fully and completely self as we were meant to be, and to bring our gift of self to the world. This is new ground for me and may be for many women in the third age. Let me know how all of this lands for you!

Oxford and Merriam-Webster both define “selfish” similarly as

• Having a lack of consideration or regard for others;

• Being excessively or exclusively concerned with own’s own personal profit, pleasure or well-being

We can all think of plenty of people who fit this definition. And, I think we can all agree that it is acceptable to be concerned with one's well being. If I spent all of my time painting and no time cooking dinner, my paintings would be grossly overworked and I’d be very hungry. So our discernment on the issue is one of degree. And one of balance.

Let’s explore how and why we need to follow our joy and step back into ourselves and come up with some better terminology that resonates with our souls.

Self focused. No one else is responsible for meeting your needs or filling your desires. No one else is going to check up on whether you’ve moved the line or swooshed the paint. No one is coming to rescue you from the doing doing doing for others. Of course not, because they benefit from your doing doing doing! And you should expect a bit of pushback if taking time for yourself is new to your loved ones. Nobody is going to tell you to take some time for yourself. That’s your job. It’s your responsibility to a) know what you want and b) take action to realize that. It is your job to be self-focused because you are the only one who can.

Self satisfied. I have shared with you before that I love to play in my art space because I drop into the luscious state of flow - a state of being completely focused on the present moment without worry about the hot mess swirling around me. When I’m done for the day, I feel satisfied as if I just ate a delicious filling meal. When you are doing what lights you up, you feed your soul.

Self aware. Doing what brings you joy makes you come alive and kicks you off of the autopilot of your daily routine. Becoming aware of your needs and your desires, and being willing and able to meet those needs and desires requires you to take the reins of your own life. For far too long, we have deferred to external authorities to tell us what we like and what we should do next. What is it you want to do? Stay with that question until you hear an answer.

Bring Your Best Self. I am my best self when I spend time creating in my art space. If I stay away too long, I get rather grouchy. And that’s not good for me or for anyone around me. I used to feel resentful when I saw other people doing what I desperately wanted to do, but didn’t do because I hadn't mustered up the courage to put myself first.

Resentment doesn’t rear its ugly little head when you allow yourself to feed your soul. A friend of mine felt conflicted when she was expected to babysit her grandchildren at a time when she was planning to create art. While it is wonderful to spend time babysitting, you need to meet your own needs first. Schedule a time for you and guard that time like your sanity depends on it. Because it does.

Burnout doesn’t stand a chance when you take time to refuel. Prioritizing you and taking time to do what lights you up refills your tank. Once you have put your own oxygen mask on, you’ll have the energy to help others. And bonus: seeing you doing that thing that brings you joy gives other people around you the permission to do the same.

Each of us has been given gifts to bring into the world. Nobody else can do this for you. If you spend all your energy doing for others, you won’t have any energy left to do what is uniquely yours to do. And we will all be the poorer for it.

Enjoy yourself! It’s later than you think!

There are a fixed number of hours in each day, and a limited number of days in each life. Now is the time to focus yourself on what your soul wants you to do. This is your sacred yes. It comes from the deepest part within you.

What is it that you want to say yes to?

In order to create the time and space to embrace your sacred yes, you need to tap into your sacred no. This will help you say no to things that distract you and pull you away. Use your sacred no to set boundaries to protect your energy and avoid overextending yourself. Setting boundaries was not something I learned as a kid; so this is a nudge I need to keep hearing, too. Not everyone will be pleased with your new boundaries!

By the sacred yes or sacred no I mean that affirmation or negation that comes from a deep place of wisdom and courage, even if it creates conflict or disagreement. The sacred yes is not willful or egocentric, but rather is willing and surrendered. The sacred no is not rebellion or refusal, but always the necessary protecting of boundaries. (emphasis mine)

-- Richard Rohr.

As we move towards the Autumn Equinox with its energy of breathing out and releasing, this is a good time to consider what commitments you can let go. Think of it as autumn cleaning that will allow you to be more intentional about spending your energy whatever feeds your soul.

What do you need to say no to in order to create space to say yes to your ‘one thing?’ Tell me in the comments!